What was meant to be an adventure in meditation and prayer turned into something much different from than that: ordinary, day-to-day life.
I followed the call to prayer schedule on Monday and totally ditched it along with intentional prayer and meditation on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I plan to skip them today too.
But here is what I noticed: I meditate and pray a lot. I take moments to breathe, enjoy what’s around me, and sense my own and others’ goodness. I infuse my life with love, clarity, and authenticity. I treat people well and with respect. I notice when I’m a jerk, and I take responsibility for my actions. I bring love to myself and to others in moments of suffering, confusion, and despair. Some of this I do intentionally; other of it I do naturally and easily after years of practice.
My life is a living prayer to God.
Could I be more connected? Yes. Could I benefit from more meditation? Yes. Could I benefit from more intentional prayer? Probably.
I spent a bit of time beating myself up this week for not following through with my intention. Each day, I considered not posting. I considered punishing my inaction by taking more inaction. The thought that went through my mind was something like: “you didn’t do this perfectly, Annie Rose, so you don’t have a right to your self-expression.”
This tendency of mine, by the way, is something I became acutely aware of this week. I mentioned several weeks ago that I’m in the Money Seminar at Landmark Education. As we explored our relationships to money, I noticed that I have a particular disempowering conversation about myself: “I’m not valuable, and if I’m not adding value, I don’t deserve to exist.” No wonder I sometimes face bouts of depression; depression is a way of existing without having to actually exist.
I have other conversations that are equally disempowering:
- If I can’t do it perfectly, I shouldn’t do it at all.
- If I make a mistake, I deserve to be punished.
- My value lies in being a mother, having an established career, and having a clear direction in life (and I don’t have these things, so I must not be valuable).
All of these float around in my subconscious and direct my actions. They give me permission to enjoy life and express myself, and they take it away.
What if I didn’t have to let those conversations guide my life? What if I could be fully free to express myself no matter my conditions?
After all, I love being expressed. I think we all do. Expression is a gift from God, and we all have an inherent right to it. It cannot be taken away. It is all that we truly have.
I love expressing myself through bright colors and clean lines.
I love expressing myself through creating beautiful spaces with texture, color, and soul.
I love expressing myself through sexy, rooted dance.
I love expressing myself through giving really great hugs. (Seriously, you should let me hug you.)
I love expressing myself through being funny and making people laugh.
I love expressing myself through being authentic.
I love expressing myself through being forgiving.
I love expressing myself through going on adventures and pushing my boundaries.
I love expressing myself, and I deserve to.
So do you. So do we.
I think God asks us for our expressions. God asks us to not wait until we have it all together, know what to do, and can take action without mistakes.
God asks us to be who we are and to forgive and love ourselves and others.
God asks me to be me and you to be you.
And so it is.
A Fun Little Insight
My yoga teacher said last night that when we are walking, we’re constantly falling forward. It’s not scary for us because we know how to catch ourselves and keep ourselves balanced. Balance, he said, arrives only when we allow ourselves to fall. What if we could all let ourselves fall and trust that we are working towards balance?
In love and liminality,
Annie Rose