Sometimes my self-expression seems like a dream.
I have a vision of who I am and who I want to be.
I have a vision of what actions to take and what a fulfilling life would look like.
But then there’s my everyday life. The life in which I often pass my time doing things that aren’t exactly me and aren’t always fulfilling. There’s all of the time that I pass that’s devoted to making it through the day, the week, the month.
One thing I really struggle with that’s in the way of my self-expression and fulfilling my vision is my relationship with food. I’m addicted to sugar, and I’m addicted to eating. I love to eat, but I also eat to avoid certain feelings. I mostly eat to avoid uncertainty and confusion. I spend a lot of time dealing with the impacts of this addiction.
I also struggle with feeling alone. I work from home, and sometimes I really miss having coworkers. I miss having a place to go and people with whom to interact. I miss sitting in my office with friends and talking about work projects, challenges, and goals. I miss waking up in the morning, getting dressed, and sticking to a schedule. I miss having direction and clear purpose. I miss having a consistent paycheck. It’s nice, of course, to sit around in yoga clothes all day and to have freedom, but it’s also nice to have somewhere to go. It’s nice to use my voice in interactions with others. It’s nice to hear others’ voices. It’s nice to contribute to others and to let them contribute to me. It’s nice to do all of it in person instead of over the phone.
I really like having structures that call me into being. I need to create more of those.
One of my favorite books is The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. The book has many philosophical underpinnings, but one of my favorites is this idea that while we all crave freedom, we also crave weight. We crave having something that keeps us connected to this earth and this life. We crave the weight of another, be it a lover, friendship, or career. At the same time, this idea that we only live one life and that this is it, puts a weight upon us that we cannot bear.
Sometimes I feel incredibly stuck between two equally strong forces: my fierce desire to live my life authentically and my need to live life according to society’s standards. I need to pay my bills. I need to be liked and admired. I need to achieve success. I suppose those are the main ones. Sometimes I find the tension between the two paralyzing, and I deal with my feelings by eating, napping, or watching TV.
Sometimes I return myself to simplicity. I remember on a soulful level that what I really crave is love. Adventure. Expression. I remember that there are people all around me. I remember that beauty is abundant. I remember that loving people is free and without restriction.
I remember that I’m most at home when I simply love another.
I remember that I’m most at home when I simply speak my truth.
Love and authenticity are so incredibly simple. They’re free. They’re always available to us. They’re endless.
Love, simplicity, and authenticity. Those are the things that I crave. Those are the things that I embrace. Those are the things that I somehow remember and forget, over and over again.
I feel the need at this point to remind myself why I write. I write to process. I write to get in touch with my humanity. I write to clear away the clutter. I write to gain clarity. I write to keep myself alive and active.
I am a processor. I process shit. I feel a lot, and I move through a lot. I process by writing. I process by sharing. I process by distinguishing stuff.
I share because sharing gives me a purpose for writing beyond myself. I share because I sometimes wish that I could know that someone else experiences what I experience. I imagine that someone out there will feel gotten and heard, simply by reading my blog. I want that for myself, and I want that for others.
I write and share because I want to live life.
I write and share because I want to become an increasingly beautiful version of myself.
I write and share because I want to engage and interact with you.
I write and share because I want to, and I need to.
I write and share because I’m constantly navigating the gap between where I am and where I want to be.
I write and share because doing so supports me in being authentic.
I write and share because doing so helps me develop my capacity to love.
Tonight I’m writing and sharing because I couldn’t seem to do anything else. I couldn’t seem to move in a healthy direction. I couldn’t put the chocolate down, stay awake, or stop watching The Office on Netflix.
I’m writing and sharing tonight because I needed to interrupt the pattern.
I’m thankful tonight for my dear friendy Christine who always encourages me. I’m thankful that she encouraged me to feel what I’m feeling and to take good care of myself.
I think that’s all for now.
As I write, by the way, I’m sitting in my new office. I’m listening to George Winston and enjoying an evening breeze. I’m feeling the tenderness of the place I’m in and my hopefulness for what’s next.
I’m sitting in this space of liminality and wondering, is all of life the liminal space? I think that maybe it is.
In love and liminality,