It’s 3am, and I cannot sleep.

I have a lot on my mind, and my heart is full. I got out of bed to see if I can clear away some of the clutter.

I’m thinking about what feels like a million little things, and I’m beating myself up for worrying about them. I’m feeling a bit cursed by my tendency toward insecurity and depression right now, and I wish I were naturally secure and clear. I wonder what that would be like? I wonder what I can do to cultivate peace? I wonder if people will truly love me in these moments?

Perhaps I can begin by letting go and being gentle with myself.

I’m sad. I’m sad for my friend Jason’s loved ones who are hurting beyond belief after his passing this week. I’m also wondering why so many people from my high school have cancer. It sucks. I hate the fucking disease so much.

I’m sad for a couple of my amazing girlfriends who are facing heartbreak. I wish I could halt their pain and fill their hearts with love, confidence, and security.

I’m sad that my dear friend’s health is shitty right now. She’s recovering, thank goodness, but I love her and want her to enjoy perfect, vibrant health.

I’m confused. I’m confused about what I want, what options I have, and what is lasting or temporary.

I’m feeling a bit vulnerable and uncertain. I’ve enjoyed writing blog posts, and sometimes I’m unsure about the benefit of sharing myself with people. I’ve clearly chosen to keep sharing, and I have no real reason not to, but I notice that each time I click publish, I feel nervous. I’m so grateful for readers like you who encourage me. Thank you.

I’m really angry at someone by whom I feel manipulated. And I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this particular way. I feel hurt. I feel sad. I feel ineffective. I’m resentful that the situation is in my space. I’m in communication, making requests, and being clear about what needs to happen, and the situation continues to be unresolved. I wonder how I stop suffering over this?

I have a lot of un-tethered space right now. My husband and I are moving into our new house in two weeks. As I transition from our current situation to our new one, I’m scattered, disorganized, and unsettled. I’m totally excited to finally create a home, and sometimes my excitement turns to impatience.

I’m building my business, and right now it’s slow. Snail-pace slow. I have work in the pipeline, but none of it is guaranteed. I’m anxious, a bit concerned, and also don’t give a fuck. Not giving a fuck, as far as I know, is not the fastest route to generating income (but I’m happy to be wrong here). Also, to be clear, I need to give a fuck (I think) because I do have bills to pay.

I’m thinking about babies. Should I have them? Should I not? Will I regret it if I don’t? Am I ready to? Can I have babies? Do I really have time to consider? What does John want? Isn’t this something I should be clear about? Can I really have a family without having babies? Who are my people? Maybe I should just get puppies.

Okay. I think those are the big things. I’m starting to feel a bit more clear. (And I must admit, I read through this several times asking, “Am I revealing too many of my struggles? Is this okay? Is it safe to share this stuff? Will people judge me for not being happier? Can I say ‘fuck’ in here or is that offensive? Did I create a blog to not offend people?” At some point I imagined my dear sister Elizabeth reading this, and I heard her say, “Annie Rose, you can say whatever the fuck you want to say!” So here it is.

So. Let’s see. Here are the actions I’m going to take to empower myself in this moment and tomorrow:

1. I’m taking myself back to bed.
2. I’m surfing in the morning and making thorough love to the ocean. I request that dolphins and seals pay me a visit, and that the ocean deliver to me at least 10 perfect waves. I’m also okay with a little pummeling.
3. I’m not going to eat any sugar or refined carbs tomorrow. I am going to eat nutrient-dense foods.
4. I’m running in the sunshine, post-surf, to the smoothie shop.
5. Every time I catch myself in my head or engaging in a disempowering conversation with myself or my husband (my go-to and incredibly loving guy in these moments), I’m going to remind myself to take things day by day, moment by moment, and breath by breath.
6. I’m going to accomplish something tomorrow, big or small.

In love and liminality,

Annie Rose

P.S. If I might be so bold as to make a request, please do not respond to this post with advice. I learned in the Being a Leader Course that advice actually stimulates the pain receptors in the brain (good to know, eh?). I think that words of appreciate and love are much more effective in responding to people in various situations, and I’m engaging in a practice of not seeking or giving advice (unless specifically requested).