Life can be messy.

That’s not always a bad thing. I’ve noticed that the more I’m living life, the more I make mistakes, get confused, and fail. When I live life fully, I’m taking risks, and I’m not letting the constraints of my past—who I know myself to be, what I know myself to be capable of, and what my history says is possible—run the course. Instead, I’m letting my inner Annie Roseness take the lead. I’m using my soul’s longings as my map, and I’m letting the woman who believes in magic, divinity, and power hold court.

This means that I’m not always organized. It means that I’m often not clear. It means that I’m sometimes insecure and disoriented. It means that I change course. (A lot.) It means that I often don’t know what to do or what to say, and that I mess things up. I’m constantly sorting things out and finding my way. I live in the middle of the sea, often with no shore in sight.

Sometimes it’s exhausting, but mostly, I’m profoundly connected to life, and I’m not sure I would have it any other way. I’m madly in charge of my own experiences. I meet amazing people and have deep friendships. I travel to sweet places. I enjoy consistent insights about my inner person. I shoot for the moon, I dive into the ocean, and I live my life with purpose. I’m held, I’m flexible, and I’m free.

There’s a cost to my lifestyle of course. The price I pay for freedom is security. The price I pay for exploration is orientation. The price I pay for flexibility is certainty. I strive to establish security, orientation, and certainty, of course, but they are not a part of my everyday experience. Insecurity, disorientation, and uncertainty are.

But I chose, a long time ago, to follow this course. I chose expansion, exploration, and transformation. I chose getting to know the most vibrant and expressed version of myself by living a vibrant and expressed life, even in its messiness.

That said, here’s the deal: I’ve learned that the more I add structure, clarity, and order to that which I can control, the better I’m able to enjoy my journey. And so I clean stuff up.

For the past week or so, I’ve been particularly disoriented. I’m processing a lot of internal change, and my external expressions are taking a hit. I noticed that my environment, consistent with my inner self, has gotten messy.

My living space is cluttered. My car has trash in it. I have no idea how much money I have in my bank account. I owe several people phone calls. I have a stack of random papers on my desk, waiting for action and filing. I have half-created work slowly growing limp. I have a million things in my mind, and I haven’t sat down to make a list of things to do. My physical environment is a space that calls for confusion and disorientation.

And so this week I’m embarking on a five-day adventure of cleaning stuff up. I’m tackling my physical environment, my inner environment, and my digital environment. As such, I promise to take (at least) the following actions this week:

1. Thoroughly clean my car.
2. Organize and clean my bedroom.
3. Organize and clean my office space.
4. Call every person with whom I need to be in communication.
5. Have what might be a sensitive conversation with a friend of mine.
6. Contact and be fully honest and forthright with a person who has not honored an agreement we have.
7. Communicate with my husband about some internal changes I’m going through.
8. Balance my checkbook and create a new budget.
9. Create plans for each and every one of my current personal and professional projects.
10. Meditate for at least 10 minutes daily.
11. Eat healthy foods that make my body feel clear.
12. Run and clear my mind 3 times in the next five days.
13. Practice yoga at least 4 times.

I’ll keep you posted.

In love and liminality,

Annie Rose