Apparently I just can’t stop blogging!

So what is authenticity? It seems to have a million faces.

There’s confessing what’s really for you and telling one on yourself.

There’s asking the question that you really want to ask (without beating around the bush).

There’s saying what you really mean to say without softening or otherwise adjusting it.

There’s being fully self-expressed; being who you really are and owning it.

There’s owning whatever your expression is in that moment (happy, sad, confused, uncertain, annoyed, etc.).

There’s saying what’s really on your mind, even if you don’t have to.

There’s being honest and truthful.

I have so many questions about authenticity. Do we always have to be authentic? Is it even possible to always be authentic? Is there sometimes value in lying and being inauthentic? Is there sometimes purpose in lying and being inauthentic? Is authenticity good? Is inauthenticity bad?

My friend and I think that our intuition sometimes tells us that it’s not safe to be authentic. We both said that we really honor and appreciate that. At the same time, we both think that the world would be a better place if everyone could be authentic all the time. We’d all know exactly where we stand, all the time. That would be so freeing! Think of what we could devote our lives to if we weren’t busy navigating inauthenticity or bullshit. Very interesting!

I have no idea how to smoothly transition to this next section, so I’ll just do so by being authentic that I don’t know (see how easy that is? And now I don’t have to waste time thinking about a transition!).  

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking about how I express various levels of myself with different people. Each person gets a particular level of authenticity from me.

I’ve often thought and heard people say that we should strive to be ourselves in any situation—that there should be some expression of ourselves that is consistent across time and space. I tend to agree with that, and I’ve definitely worked to be more of myself in more situations and to cease distinguishing between “work Annie Rose,” “play Annie Rose,” “friend Annie Rose,” “stranger Annie Rose,” and so on. I’ve strived to be who I am, no matter who I am with.

But is not sharing who you really are sometimes an act of authenticity?

Also, there’s being inauthentic—not sharing what’s truly happening—and then there is, as Landmark would say, being authentic about your inauthenticity. So I can choose to say, “I notice I’m being inauthentic.” I can then choose to share what’s really true for me, or, in my opinion, I can say, “I see I’m being inauthentic, and I’m going to continue to do so.” I think that’s authentic. I can also say, “I’m not going to be authentic because you’re a judgmental jerk and I don’t trust you” (totally authentic in some cases) or “I’m not going to be authentic because I’m still processing something and not ready to share what’s mine to share” (also totally authentic).

I also think we have to distinguish authenticity from other things. A few people have mentioned to me that we are sometimes inauthentic to protect others. I agree, and I sometimes do that. However, we are still inauthentic. We are inauthentic with good and even loving intentions, but we’re still inauthentic. Perhaps our concern is authentic, but our actions are not. Perhaps our love is authentic, but what we’re saying is not. Or maybe it is authentic, but it’s not the truth.

Is there a difference between authenticity and truth?

My friend and I also said that cultivating and providing a space in which people can be authentic is equally important to being authentic. Authenticity must have a space to land. Well, technically it doesn’t—we can all say whatever we want whether people accept us or not. But damn, it’s so nice when people provide a safe space.

So how do we be more authentic in our lives? How do we begin to trust that process? How do we begin to peel away the layers? Landmark helps. Yoga helps. Education helps. Lots of things help.

I told you yesterday that I have a friend with whom I agreed to share everything. We also agreed that we would always love and honor each other.

I have another friend with whom I have an agreement to say the really hard things—the things that are too nasty, mean, and awful to say to anyone. Sometimes we talk on the phone and in person and say, “Ok, what’s the really awful thing that you want to say that you can’t say?” Isn’t that cool? We say all of our horrible nasty shit, and we love each other, laugh with each other, and hold space for each other.

All of this comes from Landmark Education, by the way. They are fiercely dedicated to creating a world in which authenticity is the norm.

Anyway (enter next awkward transition), I think agreement is a powerful tool for creating a space for authenticity. We can agree to be authentic with people in our lives, even if only one or two of them. It can literally be an agreement of the relationship. A vow of sorts. It provides such an empowering context. We can say, “Let’s agree with each other to always be authentic, and let’s stand by each other’s sides as we do. It might get messy, but let’s do it. Let’s always be real with each other.”

I’ll be calling several of my friends to make this agreement explicitly over the next couple of days. I’ll also acknowledge anything I notice that’s in my way of being authentic with them.

You can even use this blog as an excuse to ask for authenticity. “Hey, I read this blog about authenticity. Want to try it?” Simple as that.

I love you! Thank you for reading my blog and engaging with me!

In love and liminality,

Annie Rose