I’m struck by a few things as I write my blog this evening.

1. It is so easy to get wrapped up in wondering what people think of me, my writing, and my blog! What a funny mind fuck that is. I’m letting that go and returning to my intention to simply explore and to share.
2. Sometimes I think I should be more “positive” or happy than I am, so I try to be positive and happy and end up wanting to punch someone in the face. Just kidding. It’s not that bad. And I’m a pacifist. But maybe trying to feel something I don’t is actually the source of my depression.
3. I’m really uncomfortable with the idea of praying.

My exploration in meditation and prayer has not gone as planned. I followed the call to prayer schedule yesterday, and that was cool, but I didn’t do it today.

It seems like I added something to do to my schedule.

Did you convene with God yet, Annie Rose? Yes? Check! On to the next thing.

Yesterday, my schedule and my life easily allowed for stopping what I was doing, sitting down, and connecting with God. During Duhr, my noon(ish) prayer, I stopped my walk, laid in the grass with my arms spread open, and closed my eyes. Moments later, a dog started licking my face. I didn’t flinch, and I wasn’t surprised. I loved it. I love dogs! He left after a few rounds, and I sat, remembering God.

The calls to prayer in Muslim culture are meant to give people an opportunity to remember God. I’ve been thinking about that phrasing—remembering God. Not thinking about God, not praying to God, not wondering about God. Just remembering God.

I can remember God. I saw God in several of my medicinal journeys. I saw God when my friend died. I saw God on that one wave. I saw God when I walked El Camino de Santiago. I saw God in meditations, love-making, conversations, and more. I like the idea of pausing and remembering the experience of those moments.

I remember God not with my mind but with my molecules. I let go of my thoughts about God, and I let go of my memories of God. I just sit there and I be with God.

Today, I am thinking that God lives in a moment. When I pause to remember God, I pause to be in a moment. It’s that simple for me right now.

Insights for the Day:

I have no idea how to say in words what I think God is.

I love God.

I’m not religious at all.

I feel God in churches and mosques, sometimes to the extent that I’m moved to tears.

I honor people’s beliefs about God unless they believe that God is in any way judgmental and hateful. Then I think their beliefs are silly. What does that say about me?

I long to be steeped in those moments where God is.

In love and liminality,

Annie Rose